You are at the center of your life. This sounds elemental. A given. It isn’t. You begin this way, but human existence quickly intervenes and distances you from yourself.
You have an internal well that is filled and depleted and filled and depleted again. You might find, at times, that your well runs dry before you have a chance to drink from it. Or that your own well seems to poison you. It’s a head-scratcher, because after all, it’s your well. It belongs to you. You own it. This dehydration and toxicity harms your life force. It causes you to suffer. It’s why you feel drained. It’s why you reach for something to feel better that sometimes, after it numbs you, makes you feel worse.
You may give tirelessly of the elixir that is your life force to your job, your family, your friends and your community, only to find there is no elixir left for you. You are an empath. You see others’ needs and know what to do and say to be of service to them. They soak it up like sponges, receiving gladly all that you are willing to supply. Eventually it is expected of you. Defines you. You are known for and receive praise for it. Your interactions center others. You are a success and a good person by all external measures. That’s what is important. But is it? You are exhausted and somehow remain wanting. Undernourished. Maybe even resentful. You give more than you receive. From others, but more importantly from yourself.
Perhaps you give begrudgingly to those areas of life, looking forward to the end of your tasks so you can have some time to yourself. When you arrive there, into the space that is meant to be for you, you find there is no elixir left for you or that you lapse into a depressive lull that makes you wonder what exactly you were looking forward to. You watch TV, scroll social media comparing and despairing, buy things you don’t need, procrastinate on the goals you’ve set for yourself. The simple ones like a clean and organized home. The complex ones you don’t dare tell anyone about lest you fail to even launch much less reach them. You fear you are a disappointment to others, and more importantly to yourself.
Maybe your well isn’t dry, but seems endlessly full of judgement, self-doubt, self-criticism and the never ending urge to do more and try harder. The curse of perfectionism yielding an empirically successful life where nothing is ever good enough and where each time the bar is reached you move it further, assuming if you reached it, it must not have been that hard. And it doesn’t feel like you thought it would. It doesn’t feel like happiness or success. So it must be the next accomplishment that will bring this elusive sense of satisfaction. A fullness. A quenching of your thirst followed by a warm glow of finally having made it. You can’t let up on yourself. You apply these same judgments and standards to others. Sometimes silently, sometimes aloud. You can’t help it. Your well cannot produce what it doesn’t have. Judgment in, judgment out. You are at once hyper-vigilant and utterly drained.
Whichever boulder(s) you roll up the hill, you do it day in and out, so this must be it. This self-denial and betrayal of your spirit must simply be a hallmark of the human condition. You resign that this is life. It doesn’t have to be. It can be different. It is an equation. A simple, elegant equation that is far from easy and worth every drop of effort you choose to contribute. Because in giving to your spirit, your life force, you begin to fill the well. You fill it for yourself. With a different elixir. An elixir that frees you. An elixir that you’ve heard about and think might just be folklore. It isn’t.
The elixir is unconditional love, compassion, acceptance and positive regard for self. No matter what. There is a path to this wondrous place where light shines even in the dark. Where there is a constant flow of elixir that sometimes rushes and other times trickles, and is there nonetheless. It comes from within you and cannot be taken away by outside forces. It is yours. You own it. It belongs only to you.
I have rolled the boulders, exhausted my elixir serving others' needs and drank from my own poisonous well. I did this until the darkness became so dark I no longer saw or knew myself. I looked within and found nothing. It is from there, this lowest and scariest of bottoms, that I found the light. I healed my deepest wounds, and was freed from the self-denying patterns that kept me from experiencing true love and happiness. It is not a switch to be flipped, but a process and a practice where truth and compassion prevail. This deep internal work has freed me and allowed me to change my life, make my dreams my reality and to live my purpose; to use all that I have learned and experienced to help others find the light and to know true happiness.
With love,
Kirsten